How to Cope with Your Empty Nest

By Favour Jonah

 

 

One minute, we hear the sound of children’s laughter echoing through the halls, and then suddenly it fades into a lingering emptiness. A calm understanding sets in—our children are all grown up. Parenthood, once characterized by a hectic schedule of early weekend practices, school concerts, birthday parties, and field trips, shifts into a new period of tranquillity known as empty nesting.

Empty nesting is defined as a period of transition when children are prepared to move out and start living independently. It could also mean an empty house without the children present. This may happen when they go to college, leave their parents’ house, relocate to a different city or country, or begin a family. Suddenly, the home seems quieter, and there is a feeling of change as parents adjust to life without their children always around.

For Danielle Miller, a Toronto-based mom who just went through the empty nest stage, the change was emotional and difficult. Reflecting on being a mother of two amazing boys, she acknowledges that her daily life was centred around her sons’ schedules and activities. “When they departed for university, I found myself struggling with feelings of emptiness and doubt.”

Similar to Miller, a lot of parents experience strong emotions during this stage, which can make it challenging for them to cope. Over time, it impacts not only their self-relationship but also their relationships with others, particularly with their significant others. Tim Albert, a father of one, and his wife, Jules, residing in Mississauga, found it challenging to reconnect with each other after their child left the nest. “We were often unsure of what to do most times,” he revealed.

We reached out to Krista Huyer, a certified psychotherapist who focuses on supporting individuals, specifically women, in navigating healing and empowering themselves to enhance self-esteem, to learn more about empty nesting and how it impacts people, as well as coping mechanisms to adapt.

 

Understanding Empty Nesting

Huyer believes that empty nesting goes beyond a quiet house; it signifies a significant change in family dynamics that results in a sense of something being absent. “Nesting is such a natural human instinct for us to create a home, not just a home, but a safe space for the children,” she says. “When this home that we’ve created doesn’t have what we had filled it with, that’s going to feel unfamiliar for people, and perhaps create a feeling of loneliness, sadness, or an ache.”

Although some parents may find it difficult to adjust to an empty nest at first, Huyer points out that people experience a wide range of emotions during this phase ranging from sadness, loneliness, uncertainty, fear, insecurity, disconnection, and separation from oneself and others. However, there may also be feelings of excitement, peace, contentment, or newfound motivation.

 

How Empty Nesting Affects Your Relationship

“A beautiful thing to keep in mind is that our partners are going through the same changes as we are,” Huyer asserted. She urges parents to work together as a team, sharing insights and navigating changes, rather than disregarding each other and hiding emotions. “Sitting down and asking each other those big questions like how this is impacting you? Can relieve you of those emotions.”

Some people dwell on the negative of the empty nest stage. They should see it as an opportunity to strengthen their relationship with their partner. She highlighted that as parents care for and raise their children, they experience changes amongst themselves. “Who you were when you first met is likely not who you are now,” she said. “So, I believe looking at this as an opportunity to discover these new versions of yourself is a lovely way to rekindle the romance and heal.” Some ideas she offered were going on spontaneous trips (something you might not have been able to do before), fun or romantic date nights or even just going for a walk to talk together.

Tim and Jules were one couple who managed to manage the overwhelming feeling using this strategy. “I watched my wife drown in sadness after our daughter left. I felt helpless because I was missing her too,” Tim recalls with sadness in his eyes. However, they managed to sit down and discuss the pain they were experiencing, providing each other with comfort. “We are learning to appreciate each other’s presence more and, on the bright side, I get to have my wife’s cooking all to myself,” he laughs.

 

Empty Nesting and Relationship with Children

Feelings associated with empty nesting are not one-dimensional. It is important to acknowledge that this shift is equally significant for the kids as it is for the parents, as it is unfamiliar territory for both. She asserts that encouraging your children to embrace their freedom, supporting them from the sidelines, and acting as their cheerleader and biggest supporter of their newfound independence is key to maintaining that bond.

She stresses that parents also need to be attentive when their children are discussing recent developments in life or when introducing new aspects of security. “We succeed in relationships when we feel understood, seen and heard, so the key to maintaining strong relationships with your children during this phase is to make an effort to truly understand who they are and respect their new boundaries,” she explains.

She also urges parents to visit their children in their new environment and meet them where they are, suggesting finding innovative ways to connect with them in their new world.

 

Coping with Empty Nesting

Huyer says the emotions that accompany this phase are valid, and it is important to accept yourself while having them. “Dealing with empty nesting is like learning how to deal with other emotions, which means letting them be there, leaning into that human experience, and validating that this is normal,” she says.

She encourages parents to seek out support when they feel overwhelmed and are drowning in their emotions. Which could involve one-on-one therapy sessions, connecting with friends in similar situations, or participating in community gatherings and activities. “It’s basically about connecting with someone who can truly understand and support you during this time.”

Miller says that she found friendship with her neighbour. Making new friends provided her with solace, and that might be a helpful option for other parents as well. “Every morning, I accompany my neighbour for her morning walk and it has been very refreshing,” she says.

One piece of advice from Huyer is to also connect with the parents of your children’s friends, as they are going through similar experiences as you are. In conclusion, she urges parents to explore new interests by engaging in unfamiliar activities, experimenting with new hobbies, attending events, and inquiring about others’ experiences which can help in dealing with the feeling that comes with these new experiences.